Seeing Yourself With Love Again: The Mirror, Childhood Shame, and God’s Healing

A gentle, soft-lit mirror with reflection of water—symbolic, peaceful

There was a period in my childhood when the mirror felt like an enemy.

Not because of my appearance, but because of the ache behind my eyes.

I didn’t feel worthy.

I didn’t feel lovable.

And as young as I was, I already felt shame that made it difficult to look at myself at all.

So I did what a child does:

I created a strategy to survive it.

Every day, I’d force myself to look into the mirror—one second, then two, then three.

I thought that if I practiced long enough, maybe I’d stop feeling disgust.

It worked for a while.

Or at least I told myself it did.

What actually happened was far more subtle:

I learned to tolerate myself…not to love myself.

The Adult Version of the Same Wound

Chaotic busy work space

Decades later, I wasn’t avoiding the mirror because of shame

.

I was avoiding myself because of busyness.

Running clinics.

Building businesses.

Managing teams.

Being a provider.

Trying to hold together a life that felt like it was unraveling.

I didn’t have time to look at myself.

And hiding behind productivity is just a grown-up version of self-avoidance.

Sometimes the most successful-looking people on the outside are the most disconnected from themselves on the inside.

The Moment Everything Shifted

Healing began when I encountered God’s love in a deeper, more personal way—the same love that held me in heaven as a child.

This love didn’t ask me to perform, strive, or earn. It simply invited me to see myself differently.

And a beautiful moment came while sitting in an audience, listening to my wife speak (we weren’t married yet). She said:

“You can look in the mirror and ‘hmph’ in disappointment…or ‘hmmm’ in celebration.”

It hit me like truth always does—soft and undeniable.

Why had I spent so much of my life looking at myself through the lens of criticism, lack, or unworthiness?

What if the mirror wasn’t meant to reveal what’s wrong with us…but what God sees in us?

Seeing Yourself With Heaven’s Eyes

A soft mirror reflection, golden light

When I began seeing myself through God’s eyes—beloved, precious, radiant—the mirror changed.

Looking at my reflection became less about evaluation…and more about recognition.

Recognition of the boy who once felt unworthy.

Recognition of the man who hid behind performance.

Recognition of the beloved child God never stopped seeing.

It wasn’t instant.

And It was transformational.

Healing didn’t erase my past. It revealed who I’ve always been beneath it.

What If You Saw Yourself That Way Too?

Imagine waking up and seeing someone loved, not lacking.

Someone chosen, not tolerated.

Someone celebrated, not measured.

Beautiful, radiant, and reflecting the Creator of all Heaven and Earth.

You deserve that. Your body deserves that. Your soul deserves that.

This is what tending your internal garden looks like—not striving for perfection, but seeing yourself the way the Father sees you.

A Path Toward Wholeness

This story is one of the many threads woven through Our Bodies as the Garden of Eden—a book about reconnecting to the truth God has spoken over us since the beginning.

Your body isn’t a burden or a battleground.

It’s a living sanctuary of connection, love, and divine presence.

If you’re ready to see yourself with love again,👉 Explore Our Bodies as the Garden of Eden

And if you want to understand the deeper roots of my journey,👉 My memoir The River shares those early wounds and miracles.

Infinite love and blessings,

Nicholas