Two Awards, Two Worlds: When Achievement No Longer Costs You Yourself

A medal with soft lighting, symbolizing achievement without heaviness

There’s a strange moment in life when you’re celebrated publicly while breaking quietly. I’ve lived that moment.

Years ago, I stood at a military ceremony receiving an award for outstanding performance. People clapped. Leaders praised me. The narrative sounded heroic.

But inside, I was shattered.

My marriage had fallen apart. My children lived far away. I had sacrificed everything in the pursuit of success—hours, sleep, joy, connection, and ultimately my family.

I looked composed on the outside, but internally I was drowning.

It wasn’t an accomplishment. It was a wake-up call.

The Hidden Cost of Performance

Empty chair symbolizing absence

Most people assumed I was “strong.” That I could handle anything .That high performance was my natural way of being.

What they didn’t know was that I was living from pain, not purpose.

I pushed harder because I believed that sacrifice was the price of worth. That giving up everything made me admirable. That leading meant carrying a crushing load without complaint.

This belief system is common in leadership, business, and even religion:

“If you’re not hurting, you’re not working hard enough.”

“It’s lonely at the top.”

“Success requires sacrifice.”

But what if sacrifice isn’t holy?

What if it’s just harmful?

I didn’t know that yet. So I kept performing.

Years Later—A Completely Different Moment

Light-filled space, warm tones, symbolizing abundance.

Fast forward a few years. Another recognition. Another award.

Everything around it felt different.

I was whole.

I loved myself.

My relationship with God was rooted not in performance, but in love.

I prioritized my family.

I honored my rest.

I led from connection, not control.

And the results I produced in this season were exponentially better—creative, peaceful, abundant, and deeply aligned with heaven’s flow.

The award was the same. The man receiving it was not.

For the first time, the recognition matched the internal reality.

I wasn’t drowning. I was overflowing.

Two Awards, Two Worlds

When I look back now, I realize something profound:

The difference wasn’t effort.

It wasn’t strategy.

It wasn’t timing.

It was the energy behind everything.

The first time, I operated from fear, lack, and a desperate need to be enough.

The second time, I operated from love, identity, and overflow.

Love multiplies.

Fear drains.

It’s true in leadership, relationships, creativity, and spirituality.

You Don’t Have to Earn Your Worth

God didn’t ask me to ruin my life to prove my devotion.

He never asked me to sacrifice my family.

He never demanded exhaustion, burnout, or endless performance.

Those expectations came from culture, trauma, and fear—not from Love.

When I started seeing myself through God’s eyes—beloved, whole, enough—everything changed:

My leadership style. My relationships. My work. My boundaries. My joy.

And the abundance that followed wasn’t forced. It was fruit.

If You’re Leading From Sacrifice, There’s Another Way

Maybe you’ve been applauded for things that secretly cost you too much.

Maybe you’ve carried the weight of a role that slowly drained your soul.

Maybe you’ve been trying to earn a love that was always yours.

I want you to know:

You can lead from overflow.

You can succeed without sacrificing your heart.

You can honor your family and still excel.

You can rest and still build something beautiful.

And you can receive everything God has for you without drowning in performance.

A Path Toward Overflow

This is one of the central themes in Our Bodies as the Garden of Eden—that we thrive when we live from love, not from lack.

Your body, your soul, and your leadership were never meant to run on empty.

If you want to explore what leadership looks like in partnership with God’s abundance:

👉 Read Our Bodies as the Garden of Eden

And if you want to understand the deeper story behind this healing:

👉 My memoir The River reveals the journey from trauma to transformation

Infinite love and blessings,

Nicholas